Ripped By mstoll
- Sandy! - Hello, Dot. Look, I'm sorry I'm late.
- Farewell offering. - Oh, lovely! Look at all this.
I should have given up my job regularly.
- There you are, Sandy. - Thanks, Alan.
- Well, cheers, Dot. - Cheers.
Try not to miss us too much.
Oh, well, I'll give it a good shot,
especially when I'm lying in bed tomorrow morning and Donald's gone off to work.
(Groans)
I don't know how I'm going to get through the day without seeing you all.
- (Laughter) - It's all right for some, isn't it?
- It could be all right for you, too, couldn't it? - Hmm?
Well, Donald's absolutely delighted that I've given up work.
- Is he? - Oh, yes, of course!
I mean, I shall have to start cooking again, instead of just defrosting.
And I won't be hoovering under his feet while he's trying to read the evening paper.
And I won't be quite so tired when we get into bed, will I?
Oh, listen, I must ring Oliver. Excuse me.
Are you going to suggest it?
What, giving up work? He'd have a fit! No, I forgot to tell him about this.
He worries a bit when I'm late.
(Phone rings)
- (Running footsteps) - Hang on!
Oh, blast. I'm coming!
(Ringing stops)
Damn you! How do you always know when to stop ringing?
- He's not back yet. - Well, what man rushes home to fish fingers?
Hmm. Well, he did say there was some sort of reshuffle in his office, I think.
- Might be a better job for him. - More money? All the easier to twist his arm.
Dorothy, anybody would think that you had a vested interest in my leaving work.
Well, of course I have.
I want you to come to a sherry morning.
What? Oh, lovely, thanks, Alan. Mmm!
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow
♪ And so say all of us
Hooray!
- Good old Dorothy! - Do keep in touch.
- Yes, I will. - Bye-bye.
- I must go. - Thanks for coming, Sandy.
- I shall miss you. - Miss you, too.
Still, you'll come and see us, won't you?
Well, perhaps I shall see you on my side of the fence instead.
- Oh? - For my...
BOTH: Sherry mornings!
But honestly, you could ask him.
- Oh, could I? - When he's in a good mood.
- Yes, when he's in a good mood. - He does have good moods?
Oh, yes. He had one last week.
No, actually, it would be marvellous, though, wouldn't it, eh?
Get rid of canteen deafness and typewriter hunch.
- Well, then, ask him. - I will.
I will!
Anyway, he might secretly be dying for pipe and slippers
and a meal that came out of a butcher's shop instead of a packet.
Only, don't mention my sherry mornings.
Oh, no, no. Anyway...
- Thanks, Dot. - Good luck.
I won't say goodbye.
Just au revoir. And remember, catch him in a...
BOTH: Good mood!
And where the hell have you been?
It's after seven. Not a word, not a note, not a phone call.
- I did ring. - When?
- You weren't in. - I was.
- You rang off just as I touched the receiver. - Don't be ridiculous.
I've been worried stiff. Not a word, not a note, not a spot of supper.
Well, it was Dorothy's last...
No, it wasn't.
- It was what? - It wasn't.
- What? - Dorothy's last day.
- Who's Dorothy? - Nobody.
I see. Dorothy's nobody. Thank you.
- Hello, darling. - Hello.
Mmmmm...
(Laughs) I've been waiting all day for that.
- May I have another one, please? - No.
Oliver!
Right. Now I shall get your supper for you. What would you like?
Perhaps I could mince up what we had last night? What did we have last night?
Mince.
Did we really?
Well, I'll have to think of something...
- Good Lord! - Sandy!
No, it's all right, darling. Must be a loose board there or something.
Now then, what about a nice cup of coffee, eh?
- Would you like a nice cup of coffee? - No.
I would like a nice cup of coffee.
♪ I want to be happy
♪ But I can't be happy
♪ Till I've made you happy, too
♪ Ta, ta...
If you want to make me happy, stop singing and dancing.
Thank you. You haven't even asked me about my day.
I'm sorry, darling. Did you have a good day?
Ah, well, there's this rumour of an office reshuffle.
- What does that mean? - It means someone's going to move up
and somebody is going to take their place.
- You? - Me? Ah, well, now, Sand...
Ah, but if it was,
- that would mean more money, wouldn't it? - Of course it would.
Good heavens, Oliver, you might even be in the super tax bracket!
- Now, look, nothing's definite. - No more mince.
Hey...
We could have quail's eggs.
And venison.
You have had a few, haven't you?
Well...
- Just a couple. - Yeah.
Dorothy's last day.
- Who is this Dorothy? - She's leaving because she's married.
- And pregnant? - Pregnant? Oh, no, no.
She's just leaving. She is giving up work.
- Because she's married? - Mmm.
(Laughs)
- Are you comfortable, Oliver? - Yeah.
- Shall I get you the pouf? - We haven't got a pouf.
Oh.
Well, Dorothy's husband must be stinking rich. That's all I can say.
I mean, not many men can afford to give up the wife's income.
Quite apart from losing her take-home pay, he's gonna be clobbered by the tax man.
Is he?
Of course he is. He's gonna lose a huge chunk of his personal allowance.
Oh. I'll get you a drink.
- I'm all right. - No, it'll put you in a better mood.
- You look as if you could do with one. - You look as though you've had enough.
Get you just a little whisky?
- No, thanks. - A large one, then?
Sandy, what is the matter with you?
I want to have a sherry morning with Dorothy.
A sherry morning?
Well, not sherry, but coffee, or even tea.
With Dorothy? Well, what's stopping you?
I'm working, that's what's stopping me, Oliver.
I am a working wife.
I am helping you with your personal allowance.
And I am stopping you from being clobbered.
And instead of being a working wife,
I would like to be a housewife.
I would like to boil myself an egg for lunch, instead of being goosed in the canteen.
And when I use the telephone,
I would like to call old friends instead of International Tubing Ltd.
What was Dorothy serving you? Mickey Finns?
Now, come on, darling. Come and sit down and put your feet up.
And I will make you a nice cup of black coffee, and I'll get us a takeaway.
(Sandy sighs)
I think we'll have Indian tonight.
They say a bit of curry is the best thing for racing round the veins pursuing the alcohol.
- That's your answer, is it? - What?
To my request for an honourable discharge from Walters and Maraby, that is your answer?
A cup of black coffee and a chicken vindaloo.
Good grief! We'd all like an honourable discharge.
Who, in their right minds, wants to be jangled awake by an alarm clock
and queue for the bus and have your ribs caved in on the underground?
And hobble into an office and meet a lot of other people with caved-in ribs?
You get to thinking it's a huge treat if you've time to go to the loo before leaving the house.
Now, you just listen to me, Oliver!
I never want to see a computer again.
Or an office vending machine that gives you a cup of pond water
and calls it tea with milk and no sugar.
And I do not want to listen to girls years younger than myself
discussing who gave it to them last night and what they had for dinner afterwards.
In all the years we lived together, this argument never surfaced once.
Because I wasn't a wife.
I didn't feel like a housewife.
Anyway, the arrangement could have ended overnight.
Marriages can end overnight, too. If you wanna finish ours six months after it started,
- you've found the perfect blunt instrument. - Have I, really?
Yeah.
Well, you may consider yourself hit over the head with it.
Oh, my gawd.
Sandy!
- Can I give up work? - No.
- Can we talk about it? - We have talked.
Not enough. Because I've lost.
Sandy, I am going to the takeaway.
And I just hope that, when I come back,
you will perhaps realise that a woman's place isn't always...
...in the home.
Thank you.
(Phone rings)
(Under her breath) A woman's place isn't always in the home...
Hello?
- Was he in a good mood? - Oh, hello, Dorothy.
We're still going strong here.
We thought that, if he'd said yes, we might all come over to your place to celebrate.
- I mean, there's only about seven of us. - Whoa!
Er... six.
Only, the thing is, they want us out of the building. They say we're a fire hazard.
I said none of us smoke and the commissionaire said our breath was a fire hazard.
Honestly, you just can't win with a man, can you?
- Not with my man. - Oh, dear. Did you pick the wrong moment?
Dorothy, with my man, it will always be the wrong moment,
unless they abolish income tax and Women's Lib.
- (Doorbell) - Ooh, listen, there's someone at the door.
- I shall have to go. - All right. Well, good luck.
And remember, I don't like drinking sherry on my own.
- No, right. Bye. - Bye.
- (Doorbell) - Sh!
- Edgar! - Hello, Sandy.
- Is Lucky Jim in? - Lucky?
He must have told you about the promotion rumours?
He's been promoted?
He's been offered it. He left before the message came down from the boss man.
Edgar, how marvellous!
I wish we had reshuffles more often.
But let me tell him, Sandy, please.
- Well, he isn't here. - Oh, no.
Gone to take away a takeaway. Ha!
No. Deirdre doesn't like holding supper.
Oh, well, um...
Perhaps you could ring him when you get home.
Yes, I could. You won't tell him?
Brownie's honour.
(Laughs) Right.
Oh, the new job's with our Birmingham branch.
Oh, well, we wouldn't mind moving.
- Wouldn't you? - Wouldn't be forever, would it?
- Just a year. - I'd have to give up my job.
Would you mind?
I would be heartbroken, Edgar.
- Really? - Mmm.
But, for Oliver, I would make the sacrifice.
Oh, good girl.
- Well, I'll hop off. - Oh, um... Edgar?
- Yeah? - When you speak to Oliver,
you won't mention my... you know?
- Your what? - Heartbreak.
Oh, cub's honour, dib-dib-dib.
Oh, love to Deirdre.
Is she still managing to fill her days at home?
Oh, yes, positively besotted by it all.
Bye-bye.
Bye!
Sandy?
Gunga Din's here.
Sandy?
(Indian accent) Ooh, I brought you very nice chicken Madras, yes.
Supper? OK?
OK.
Oliver, about my giving up work...
Sandy, please, you know how I feel.
- Well, I feel the same way. - Then why bring it up?
What?
- I'm sorry, darling. I was very selfish. - Oh, no.
Oh, yes, yes. I've been thinking while you were out.
I suddenly thought to myself...
...what would I do with myself all day?
- Only, with all my days free, what would I do? - Well, that was good thinking, Sand.
A coffee with Deirdre, a sherry with Dorothy, a cup of Earl Grey with Sheila...
Exactly.
- I'd go off my head. - Quite.
And besides, it's the camaraderie at work. It's the...
BOTH: Responsibility.
- The new... BOTH: Challenges.
- (Phone rings) - Splendid. Would you excuse me?
Oh, no, you wouldn't get me out of my office now, not with a ton of dynamite.
Jolly good. Hello?
Oh, hello, Edgar.
You're joking!
No, I promise you. You'd left to go to Hattersley and Mather.
- I thought McKenzie would get it. - He couldn't go to Birmingham without his wife.
- She could have gone. - She wouldn't give up her job.
(Laughs) Good Lord!
Wouldn't she?
She said she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she wasn't working.
- Did she? - Silly cow!
Well, yes.
After all, my wife's happy enough, isn't she?
- Isn't she? - Well...
Of course she is! And Sandy, well, I'm sure she'd make the sacrifice for you, Oliver.
- Are you? - Ask her.
- Well, yes. - Good luck.
Thanks.
Congratulations. Buy you a pint at lunchtime. Bye.
Bye.
What did Edgar want, darling?
What?
Oh, well...
- We mustn't let the food get cold. - Oh, I'll keep it warm.
- Anyway, I don't feel very hungry now. - Don't you?
No. I'd rather have a drink to celebrate.
Celebrate?
- My seeing the light. - Oh.
You know, you were right.
It was the drink in Dorothy's office.
Ha!
I mean, how stupid can you get?
Wanting to give up work!
Well...
And for what? To do the cooking, clean the house, the occasional girls' chat.
- Well... - And the highlight of the week,
going to the pictures.
Oh, how awful!
Coming out of the pictures in broad daylight.
- Well... - And it's not just that, you know, Oliver.
Oh, no. I will be all by myself. I won't have anybody to talk to in the interval.
I'd find myself fighting off men in plastic macs.
Oh, no, no, darling. I cannot imagine what I saw in it.
Well...
Oh, what did Edgar want?
Oh, yes, well...
You know that promotion I told you about?
Well, Edgar seems to think it's come my way.
Darling!
How wonderful!
Well, congratulations!
- Thanks. - Well, why didn't you tell me before?
- Well... - I mean...
you let me chatter on about how much I like it at the office.
And all the time, you had this marvellous news.
Yes, well, actually...
Yes?
- How's your drink? - It's fine.
Oh, sorry.
- Are you positive? - Yes, yes.
I'll just top mine up.
Well, go on, what were you going to say?
Well...
- This new job, you see... - Yes?
- The one Edgar rang about? - Yes?
- Having heard from Mr... - Manderson, yes?
It's in Birmingham. Mmm, mmm.
Birmingham?
- Only for a year. - Do you mean the Birmingham?
Then we come back to London. You see, it's too far to commute.
Intercity is very quick. But getting to Intercity isn't.
But, Oliver, I'd have to give up my job.
Just for a year.
For a year?
But if I wanted a sherry with Dorothy, I'd have to get on a diesel train.
- You'd make new friends. - Not like office friends.
It's the camaraderie, the new challenges.
- I'd be reduced to fighting off men in macs. - Good grief!
Who wanted to give up their job in the office? Now, who?
Ah, ha-ha!
But who was it who spent half an hour trying to talk me out of it?
Now, you tell me that. Who was it?
I mean, one minute you don't want me to be a housewife, the next minute you do.
You'll have to make up your mind, Oliver, this just won't do.
(Sniggers)
(Laughs)
Oliver!
I'm terribly...
Sorry, but your face is a picture.
Darling, I was only teasing.
(Laughs)
Teasing?
Edgar called while you were at the takeaway and told me about the promotion.
Oh, darling, I'm very pleased. Really, I am.
You mean you knew you'd have to give up your job all along?
Well, only after Edgar called.
But I don't mind. Honestly, I don't, Oliver.
I can probably get something temporary in Birmingham, can't I?
You kept me dangling on a hook for ten minutes?
Well, not a hook, darling.
Oh, no, I suppose you just lifted me gently into the air on a fork-lift truck?
Well, you did go on at me a bit.
But I was serious. You were merely flippant.
I wasn't flippant about wanting to be a housewife!
Good grief, we never had one argument about you going out to work before we got married.
Oh, I see. We're back to that again, are we?
Everything was hunky dory until I wanted you to get down on bended knee and ask for my hand?
Let's have supper, shall we?
- You have supper. - What?
If I'm giving up work, I might as well start training now.
- Training? - Yes, I'm going to the pictures. On my own.
What about the takeaway?
I shall have a bag of popcorn and a raspberry ripple.
And if I am late home, don't worry about me.
I shall probably be escorted home by a gentleman
who has offered to buy me a drink on a stick.
Good night.
But this is very sudden, Sandra.
Well, my husband's promotion was very sudden, Miss Pagnell.
But the firm has recently gone to considerable trouble, not to mention expense,
- to put you through this training course. - I know, and I'm very sorry.
But I didn't have a crystal ball, did I?
Kindly do not adopt that tone with me.
Perhaps you'd better alter your own tone.
As your supervisor, I shall use what tone I like.
Ex-supervisor.
I beg your pardon?
- I've given in my notice. - A fortnight's?
- No, I think I'll go today. - Today?
Yes, you see, I've got a friend who's dying to give a sherry party.
But if you go now, you'll wave good night to your salary!
All right, I'll wave good night to my salary.
In fact, I'll do more than that. I'll wave goodbye to you.
Oh, and Miss Pagnell?
I do recommend that you go to the Chelsea Odeon.
It's not much of a programme, but you meet a very nice class of single man.
(Whistles)
- Come along in, Eric. Good morning, Oliver. - Good morning, sir.
- Oh! Oh, thank you. - What?
Ah...
Well, Eric, this is Mr Pryde, whose recommendation I personally sought.
Mr Clissold, head of our Birmingham branch.
- How do you do, sir? May I? - Oh, thank you, yes.
- Oh, and if you'd just like to... sit down here, sir. - Thank you.
- There we are, sir. - Thank you.
- Sit down, Oliver. - Oh, thank...
Thank you, sir.
Ah...
Now, er...
Eric, you'll remember I told you that Oliver is fairly recently married.
Yes, yes.
Leaving it a little late, weren't you, Pryde?
Perhaps he had more wild oats to sow than most. Ha, ha, ha!
(Laughs) Well, in a way, you could say...
Frankly, it was your recent marriage that commended you...
commended you to me.
We have a wretchedly high degree of divorce and separation amongst our junior executives.
It doesn't impress clients at all.
- Not at all. - No.
Most of them with marriages of long standing.
You mean they're happy or envious? Ha, ha, ha!
Only yesterday, I was dreaming about this.
Now, here you are, my very first sherry morning.
- Well, you must come to my first. - Oh, yes. Cheers.
Cheers.
How did Miss Pagnell take it?
Oh, with the same expression that Oliver had when I got home last night.
(Giggles) I do hope you didn't let the sun go down on your wrath.
Not only that, we let the sun come up on it as well.
(Laughs)
(Sighs) Ah!
Oh, isn't this decadent?
- Well, it's nice to have met you, Pryde. - Thank you, sir.
I don't see why this promotion shouldn't be fully ratified.
- No, indeed. - Splendid. Excuse me if I dash off for lunch.
There was no food on the train, except a fruit pie in a box.
And the box looked more edible than the fruit pie.
I can suggest a place not too far from here, sir.
- Oh, really? That's very kind of you. - I'll show you the way. It's off the beaten track.
But my wife and I rather favour it, if you care for Peking food.
Peking? Oh, really?
Well, why don't we lunch together?
I dislike eating alone and Clive here is a vegetarian.
Today, my stomach needs something more than a nut cutlet and a handful of lentils.
- Ha, ha, ha! - (Laughs)
(Both laugh)
Oh, just think of all the others right now.
(Giggles)
There's Karen and Linda...
...and Betty.
Slaving over hot typewriters.
Miss Pagnell wielding the lash.
- And everybody's tummy rumbling. - Mmm.
Hey, listen, my tummy's rumbling. What about lunch?
Well, what were you going to do?
Well, I was just going to have a piece of cheese and an apple.
Oh.
Hey, you could come to my place for lunch.
What for?
A piece of cheese and an orange.
(Both laugh hysterically)
Oh, no, but this is a special occasion, isn't it?
Oh, yes, our first day of freedom. We should celebrate.
Let's go out to lunch.
Ooh!
Well, in that case...
...have you been to the Wo Chow?
The Wo Chow?
Peking.
That's rather a long way to go for lunch.
(Laughs)
An aperitif or wine, sir?
- Pryde? - What are you having, sir?
- I don't like drinking midday. - Nor me, sir.
However, perhaps a little white wine.
- Two glasses of white wine. - Thank you, sir.
Yes, well, I've only recently been introduced to Peking food.
It's drier than the Cantonese, sir.
- Is it? Yes. - If you've never had the sesame toast before,
- I think you're in for a real treat, sir. - So you said, yes.
(Both laugh drunkenly)
Good afternoon, madam.
I'm not too sure about the seaweed, though.
It's very crisp. It's not like that slimy stuff you get washed up on the beach.
- Good gracious me, I should hope not! - (Laughs)
SAND Y: (Laughs) Oh, dear...
I don't know if Birmingham can provide you and your wife with much in this style of cooking.
We're not fussy. We eat at home most of the time.
Yes, well, eating out is an expensive pastime these days.
Yes, indeed, sir.
- Is your wife a good cook? DOROTHY: What are you doing?
I would say they'd both had a drop too much to drink, wouldn't you, Pryde?
Not a pretty sight at the best of times, but in comparatively young women, it's...
Now, about your wife.
- How did you know? - Pardon?
I mean, what about her?
- Is she a good cook? - Oh. Oh, yes. Very good, sir.
Oh.
Not, I would hazard, in the fried seaweed and sesame toast category?
- (Women laugh drunkenly) - Are you in a draught, Pryde?
Just a little, sir, yes.
I expect she's more like my wife - good, old, plain English cooking.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Well, quite frankly, I think you'll find that will go down better than seaweed
at the dinners that you and Mrs Pryde will occasionally be requested to host at home.
I think we can promise you in Birmingham as good a social life as you enjoy in London.
I'm sure that Mr Manderson impressed upon you the importance of a wife?
Yes.
- Well, to the new job, Pryde. - Ooh!
- Thank you very much, sir. - There's Oliver.
That's Oliver!
Frankly, if it had not been for your marriage six months ago,
you wouldn't have been considered.
- Are you all right, Pryde? - I'm just checking the menu, sir.
- We've ordered. - There's banana instead of toffee apple.
- Excuse me! - Oh, really, young woman!
- You have no right to invade the privacy of... - He's not private, he's my husband.
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
I am with Dorothy. That's Dorothy.
- This is your wife? - May I explain?
I am, indeed. And you are Mr Manderson, I presume?
Thank you very much indeed for giving him his promotion.
- I... - Mmm!
I am not Mr Manderson, Mrs Pryde.
And I very much fear that your husband has not got his promotion either.
- Excuse me. - Seaweed, sir.
Urgh!
Um... what does he mean, you haven't got your promotion, Oliver?
- (Laughs faintly) - I mean, you must have your promotion,
because I gave up my job today.
Seaweed, sir.
Well, look, don't you worry about your promotion.
If people like that man don't appreciate you,
then you give up your job, too.
Hey, I tell you what else.
You will be free to come with me to Dorothy's next sherry morning.
Ripped By mstoll